You know Herman, I was thinking about how much of our professional lives are dictated by these invisible scripts we carry around from childhood. Those quiet little rules about how to behave that we do not even realize are there until we hit a wall. It is like we are operating on a set of instructions we never actually agreed to, but we follow them with religious devotion anyway.
Herman Poppleberry here, and I think you are spot on, Corn. It is like we are running on legacy software that has not been updated in twenty or thirty years. We are trying to navigate a high speed, competitive, globalized world using code that was written when our biggest concern was not being the kid who talked too much in class or making sure we did not seem too big for our boots at the Sunday dinner table. It is a fundamental mismatch between our internal operating system and the external environment we have to survive in.
Exactly. And that is really at the heart of the prompt Daniel sent us for today. He was talking about the struggle of selling oneself, specifically coming from a culture like Ireland where modesty is not just a habit, it is almost a moral requirement. He mentioned how that quiet competence is admirable in a community setting, but it can turn into a real liability in a job market where everyone else is shouting about their achievements. He feels like he is bringing a flute to a heavy metal concert.
It is a fascinating dilemma because it is essentially a conflict between cultural integrity and professional survival. Daniel touched on something really profound there, the idea that being transparent about your strengths is actually a form of fairness to the employer. I love that reframing. It moves the conversation away from ego and toward accuracy. If you are the best person to solve a problem, but you hide that fact, you are essentially depriving the organization of the solution they need.
It really does change the stakes. But man, that internal resistance is heavy. If you have spent thirty years thinking that talking about your wins is the same thing as being an arrogant jerk, you do not just flip a switch because you have a job interview at ten in the morning. Your body reacts. Your heart rate goes up, your throat tightens, and you start looking for the nearest exit. So, Herman, I want to dig into this. Why is this so hard for us? And more importantly, how do we actually bridge that gap without feeling like we are losing our souls or becoming people we do not recognize?
Well, we have to look at the psychological and sociological roots first. In sociology, there is this concept called the Tall Poppy Syndrome. It is very prevalent in Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, and parts of the United Kingdom. The idea is that poppies should all grow to the same height, and if one grows too tall, it gets cut down to size by the rest of the field. It is a social leveling mechanism. It keeps the community cohesive and prevents a hierarchy based on ego, but it creates a deep seated, almost primal fear of standing out. When you are in a job interview, you are essentially being asked to be the tallest poppy in the field. That triggers a literal stress response in people who grew up with that modesty norm because, historically, standing out meant social exile.
That makes so much sense. It feels like a threat to your social safety. If I say I am great at artificial intelligence or project management, my brain is secretly worried that my neighbors or my cousins are going to roll their eyes at me and say, Who does he think he is? But Daniel made a great point with his plumber analogy. If you hire a plumber because your pipes are bursting and they show up and say, Oh, I guess I know a bit about pipes, I might be able to help if the wind is blowing the right way, you are going to be terrified. You do not want a modest plumber; you want a competent one who knows they are competent and can tell you exactly how they are going to fix the leak.
Precisely. We have to distinguish between bragging and reporting. This is a crucial distinction for the self-deprecating professional. Bragging is about seeking validation, inflating the truth, or trying to feel superior to others. It is ego-driven. Reporting, on the other hand, is simply providing the necessary data for someone to make an informed decision. If a company is looking for a senior developer and you have ten years of experience leading teams through complex migrations, stating that fact is not bragging. It is providing the data they need to solve their problem. If you withhold that data out of a sense of modesty, you are actually making their job harder. You are being a bad data provider. You are creating what economists call information asymmetry, where you know you can do the job, but they do not, and the whole system fails because of it.
I like that. Reframing it as data reporting. It takes the heat out of the emotion. It is not about me being great; it is about the facts of the situation being communicated clearly. But even if we accept that intellectually, how do we handle the actual language we use? Daniel mentioned that he tends to say things like, I guess I know a bit, or I was involved in that, even when he has been the primary driver of a project for years. How do we stop the self-diminishing language from leaking out of our mouths before we can catch it?
One of the best resources for this is the concept of a brag document, or what some people call a hype document. It is something a lot of people in big tech use, but it applies everywhere. Instead of waiting for an interview to try and remember what you are good at, you keep a running log of your achievements as they happen. But here is the trick for the self-deprecating person: you write it in the third person or you focus entirely on the impact. Instead of writing, I was great at this project, you write, This project resulted in a twenty percent increase in efficiency and saved the company fifty thousand dollars in the first quarter. Numbers do not feel like bragging. Numbers are objective. They are just facts sitting on a page.
Right, because you cannot argue with a twenty percent increase. It just is. I think that is a great strategy for the preparation phase. It builds a library of facts you can draw from. But let us talk about the interview itself. You are sitting there, the recruiter asks, Tell me about a time you led a difficult project. The modest person wants to say, Well, the team really pulled together and we got it done. They want to hide in the we. They feel like taking individual credit is a betrayal of the group. How do you step into the I without feeling like you are abandoning your teammates?
This is where we use the Star method, but with a specific tweak for the modest professional. As a reminder, Star stands for Situation, Task, Action, and Result. Most people who struggle with self-promotion spend eighty percent of their time on the Situation and the Task. They describe the problem in great detail because that feels safe. Then they gloss over the Action. They say, We had this problem, and then the project finished successfully. You have to force yourself to spend the majority of your time on the Action. What did you specifically do? Did you write the core architecture? Did you mediate the conflict between the design team and the engineering team? Did you negotiate the contract? You can still credit the team at the end in the Result section, but the interviewer is hiring you, not the whole team. You have to give them the specific evidence of your individual contribution. Think of it as a technical manual. A manual does not say, We hope the machine works. It says, Press this button to achieve this result. You are describing the buttons you pressed.
It is almost like being a witness in a trial. You are just testifying to what you saw yourself do. You are not the judge or the jury; you are just the witness. If the lawyer asks, Did you see the defendant cross the street? and you did, you say yes. You do not say, Well, I think I might have seen someone who looked a bit like him. That would be a bad witness. I think that might help people who feel like they are being arrogant. You are just being an accurate witness to your own life.
That is a brilliant way to put it, Corn. An accurate witness. And let us talk about the cost of not doing this. There is a study by the National Bureau of Economic Research that looked at the gender gap in self-promotion, but the findings apply to anyone with a modest disposition. They found that even when performance was identical, people who self-promoted less were perceived as less competent by evaluators and were offered significantly lower salaries. So, when you are self-deprecating, you are not just being humble; you are literally devaluing your labor. You are leaving money on the table that could be used for your family, your community, or your future. In a way, extreme modesty is a form of self-sabotage that has real-world financial consequences.
And that brings us back to Daniel's point about fairness. If you are the best person for the job, but you undersell yourself and the company hires someone who is less competent but better at talking, everyone loses. The company gets a worse employee, the project might fail, and you lose the opportunity to do work you are actually good at. It is a market failure caused by bad communication. It is not just about you; it is about the health of the entire professional ecosystem.
Exactly. It is an information problem. One of the best mental strategies I have found is to imagine you are representing a friend. If Daniel was going for a job and you knew he was an expert in artificial intelligence, you would have no problem telling the recruiter, You have to hire this guy, he is incredible, he has been studying this for years and his last project was a massive success. You would feel proud to advocate for him. Why? Because you know it is true and you want him to succeed. You have to learn to be that same advocate for yourself. Treat yourself as a client you are representing. You are the agent, and your job is to get the best deal for your client based on the facts of their performance.
I have actually tried that, and it is surprisingly effective. It detaches your ego from the words. You are just a professional agent representing a very talented individual who happens to be you. But what about the resources? For someone who has done over seven hundred episodes of a podcast, you would think I would be better at this, but I still feel that twinge of guilt when I talk about my own successes. Are there books or specific exercises you recommend for people who need to unlearn these habits?
Definitely. I think Susan Cain's book, Quiet, is a classic for a reason. It validates the power of introverts and the value of quiet competence, but it also gives practical advice on how to stretch into those more assertive spaces when the situation calls for it. She talks about the extrovert ideal in Western culture and how we can navigate it without losing our identity. Another great one is The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman. They talk a lot about the science of confidence and how it is often more about action than it is about feeling. You do not need to feel confident to state a fact about your experience. You just need to state the fact. Confidence often follows the action, it does not always precede it.
I like that distinction. Confidence is not a prerequisite for truth-telling. You can be shaking in your boots and still say, I managed a budget of five hundred thousand dollars. The budget does not care if you are nervous. The numbers stay the same regardless of your heart rate.
Exactly. And for a more tactical resource, I always point people toward the work of Peggy Klaus. She wrote a book called Brag! The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn Without Blowing It. She specifically addresses the cultural and social barriers to self-promotion. She teaches you how to create what she calls brag-logues, which are short, punchy stories that highlight your skills in a natural, conversational way. It is about making the information palatable and engaging rather than just a list of boasts. It turns your achievements into a narrative that people actually want to hear.
It is funny, we have talked about this in different contexts before, maybe not this specific topic, but the idea of personal branding and communication. Listeners might want to check out myweirdprompts.com and search our archive for episodes on communication or career growth. We have touched on pieces of this over the last few years, but Daniel really brought it into focus with this cultural lens.
He did. And I think it is important to acknowledge that this is a skill. It is not a personality trait. You are not born a bragger or a humble person. You are born into a culture, and then you learn how to communicate within it to stay safe. If you need to learn a new way of communicating for a different environment, like a global job market or a high-stakes negotiation, that is just like learning a new programming language or a new tool. It does not change who you are at your core. You are just adding a new module to your communication stack.
That is a very comforting thought. It is just another tool in the belt. Herman, what about the role of feedback in this? Sometimes we are self-deprecating because we genuinely do not realize how good we are. We think everyone knows what we know. We assume our skills are common knowledge when they are actually quite rare.
That is the Curse of Knowledge. When you are an expert in something, it becomes so easy to you that you assume it is easy for everyone. You think, Oh, anyone could have set up that neural network or organized that conference, so you do not mention it because it feels trivial. But the truth is, most people cannot do those things. This is where you need a trusted circle of peers or mentors. You should ask them, What do you think my top three professional strengths are? Often, they will name things you never even thought to mention because you take them for granted. You need an external mirror to see your own value clearly.
I had that happen recently. I was talking to a colleague about some data analysis I did for the show, and I was just brushing it off as a quick task I did over coffee. And they stopped me and said, Corn, most people would have taken a week to figure out that data set, and you did it in an afternoon. That was a huge wake up call. I realized I was underselling myself not because I was trying to be modest, but because I was being inaccurate about the difficulty of the work. I was miscalculating the market value of my own speed.
And that inaccuracy is dangerous. It leads to burnout because you end up doing high value work for low value recognition. One strategy I love for the interview room is the phrase, I am particularly proud of. It is a magical phrase because it frames the achievement through your own values rather than just your ego. If you say, I am the best at sales, it sounds arrogant and subjective. If you say, I am particularly proud of the fact that I exceeded my sales targets by fifteen percent while also mentoring three junior reps, it sounds like a person who cares about their work and their team. It is a soft entry into a hard fact. It allows you to be human while still being impressive.
I am particularly proud of. I am going to write that down. It feels much more natural. It acknowledges that there is a human being behind the achievement. Now, what about the imposter syndrome aspect? Daniel mentioned that people with imposter syndrome often revolt at the idea of selling themselves because they feel like they are lying. They feel like if they say they are an expert, they are going to be found out as a fraud the next day.
Imposter syndrome is the shadow side of high achievement. It usually hits the people who are actually doing the work, not the ones who are faking it. The best way to combat that in a professional context is to rely on external validation. If you feel like a fraud saying you are good at your job, quote your last performance review or a client testimonial. Say, In my last review, my manager noted that my attention to detail saved the company ten thousand dollars in potential errors. Now you are not the one saying you are good; your manager is. You are just the messenger delivering a report. It is much harder for the imposter voice in your head to argue with a direct quote from someone else.
That is a great workaround. It is like using a shield. You are putting the external evidence between you and the fear. Herman, let us talk about the cultural shift. If someone is listening to this in Ireland or a similar environment, and they start being more transparent about their wins, they might get some pushback. People might say, Oh, look at him, he thinks he is a big shot now. How do you handle that social friction without retreating back into your shell?
You have to be bilingual. You have to know which language to speak in which environment. When you are at the pub with your friends, you can be as self-deprecating as you want. That is the social language of the community, and it serves a purpose there. But when you are in a professional setting, especially one that is international or highly competitive, you have to speak the language of that environment. Being a professional means knowing how to adapt your communication to achieve the best outcome for your project or your career. It is not being fake; it is being effective. You would not wear a swimsuit to a funeral, and you should not wear extreme modesty to a job interview. It is just about dressing your language for the occasion.
I love that. Dressing your language for the occasion. It is about context, not character. And I think it is also about realizing that the people who are cutting down the tall poppies are often doing it out of their own insecurity. If you being successful makes them uncomfortable, that is a reflection of their journey, not yours. You have a responsibility to your own potential that outweighs your responsibility to make everyone else feel comfortable.
Absolutely. There is a quote by Marianne Williamson that people often attribute to Nelson Mandela, about how our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. She says that your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. That applies perfectly to what Daniel is talking about. When you shrink your accomplishments, you are not helping anyone. You are just limiting the impact you can have and the problems you can solve.
That is powerful. It really shifts the perspective from self-interest to a broader sense of duty. If I have these skills, I have a duty to use them and to make sure they are placed where they can do the most good. And that requires me to be honest about what those skills are, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Exactly. And let us get practical for a second. If you are preparing for an interview, record yourself. Use your phone to record your answers to common questions. When you listen back, you will probably be shocked at how many times you use words like just, maybe, kind of, or I think. I just helped with the project. I kind of managed the team. Those are what we call hedge words. They are verbal landmines that blow up your credibility. Practice saying the sentence again without the hedge word. I managed the team. Period. It feels aggressive at first to the speaker, but to the listener, it just sounds clear, decisive, and professional.
It is amazing how much power those tiny words have to drain the energy out of a sentence. I just did the research versus I conducted the research. One sounds like an accident, the other sounds like a deliberate professional action. It is the difference between being a passenger in your career and being the driver.
And that leads to another great resource, which is the book Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office by Lois Frankel. Even though it is marketed toward women, the advice on eliminating self-sabotaging language is universal. She lists hundreds of behaviors that people use to diminish themselves in the workplace, from the way they sit to the way they sign their emails. For anyone coming from a modest culture, it is a fantastic checklist of things to stop doing. It helps you identify the leaks in your professional presence.
It sounds like a lot of this is about unlearning. We have spent years learning how to be small to fit into a specific social box, and now we have to spend a few months or years learning how to be our actual size. Not bigger than we are, but exactly as big as we are.
Exactly. It is about calibration. We are not asking people to become arrogant narcissists. We are asking them to move from being under-calibrated to being accurately calibrated. If you are a level eight at a skill, but you tell people you are a level four, you are being dishonest. We are advocating for radical honesty. If you can do the work, say you can do the work. That is the most honest thing you can do.
Radical honesty. I think Daniel would appreciate that. It is a much more palatable way to think about it than self-promotion. It is just being honest about the reality of your experience and the value you bring to the table.
And one more thing I want to mention is the power of the follow-up. A lot of modest people feel like they have survived the interview and they just want to disappear and never think about it again. But the follow-up email is a great place to reinforce your value in a low-pressure way. You can say, I really enjoyed our conversation about the new project. It reminded me of a similar challenge I solved by implementing a new data pipeline that reduced latency by thirty percent. It is a way to provide more value and more evidence without the pressure of a face-to-face interaction. It gives you a second chance to be that accurate witness.
That is a great tip. It is a lower pressure environment to practice that factual confidence. Herman, this has been a really deep dive. I feel like I have a much better handle on why this is so difficult and also some really concrete ways to start shifting that internal dialogue. It is about moving from modesty to accuracy.
I am glad to hear it. It is a journey, right? It is not something you fix overnight. It is a practice. Every time you catch yourself using a hedge word or downplaying a win, you just gently correct it. Over time, the new code starts to run more smoothly than the old code. You start to realize that being your actual size is not a threat to anyone; it is actually the best way to be of service.
Well, I think we have covered a lot of ground here. From the Tall Poppy Syndrome to the Star method and the power of the brag document. I hope this gives Daniel and our other listeners some real tools to work with. Before we wrap up, I want to say that if you have been enjoying My Weird Prompts, we would really appreciate it if you could leave us a review on your favorite podcast app. It really does help other people find the show and it means a lot to us.
It really does. We love seeing the feedback and hearing how these discussions are landing with you all. It helps us calibrate our own work. And remember, you can find all our past episodes and a way to get in touch at myweirdprompts.com.
You can also reach us directly at show at myweirdprompts.com if you have thoughts on today's episode or want to send us a prompt of your own. We are available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and pretty much everywhere else you listen.
This has been My Weird Prompts. I am Herman Poppleberry.
And I am Corn. Thanks for listening, and we will talk to you in the next one.
Goodbye everyone.
